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WHY MOM HATES PLANKING

Perfect moms understand you are an individual in your own right. They will protect and nurture you forever, stand up for you against all odds, guide you down life’s twisting highways, be willing to listen and super patient about all your foibles. But when it comes to planking, you can” bet your bottom dollar” lovable mummy will morph into scary “Mommy Dearest” and those nurturing traits will be out the door faster than “Speedy Gonzalez”

Words like, “No child of mine is going to lie across a statue with their face down and their arms and legs all rigid” will be habitual. Add on the “Across MY dead body” lament and you will realise mom is out to get you for planking. She will no longer be willing to listen, only preach, preach, preach. “Did I put you in the world to make a fool of me?” “Grandpa would roll in his grave”. “I am cutting off your allowance, banning you from Christmas, ashamed to call you my own, etc.”

But why does mom hate planking so? Well, she is scared something will happen to you first and foremost. You might fall of the bridge, the high rise, the garden gnomes, and then what will she do? “I tell you my life has not been worth living since you took up that ghastly habit!” she insists

The only way you can convince mom to join in the fun, is by tempting her to plank herself. Get her lying across the ironing board, the kitchen sink, the refrigerator, the sewing machine or, yes, the garden gnomes. Have her stiffing up and looking downwards so she can understand the thrill of the experience. Help her understand that planking is not just about being silly, it is a protest, a social event, a new and fun way of making friends.

“But what is the point of it all!” she will sigh unconvinced. Mum cannot see that life is not just about having a great career, making loads of money and getting married, in other words being safe, it is about adventure, challenge, a new horizon.

It is hard not to argue with mom when she nags you about your planking habits. You can rebel, slamming doors, refusing to eat her trifl. You could also refuse to participate in family gatherings, or go rigid when it comes to washing up or taking out the rubbish. Worst of all, you could plank her out as you lie rigid across the dining room table! But be aware, she does not see planking as a brave, daring spirited experience but a blot on her mothering skills. “How could you do this to me” she will screech as she sees you striding out the door to “planking oblivion!”

It is a rare mom who will take on board planking offspring, but if mom does, think of the wonder of it. Imagine mother and son going for mutual planking experiences in parks, government buildings and shopping arcades. Or then again perhaps not, perhaps it is better to have mom on your case. She might be more popular than you, plank more stylishly and get attention. No, as much as you love mom, you prefer her to nag you rather than do a plucky plank!

They say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to planking they might have got it wrong, especially since mom recently said she was leaving your dad and running off with a handsome, mature planker! You are devastated. Better an anti planking mom, than no mom at all!


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